I’ve been getting a lot of emails lately! Folks. I don’t like it one bit. If I had my say in this matter, I would block all emails from ever being delivered to me unless I suchforth requested such a mail. As a matter of fact, why can anonymous mailers send me such emails as they so choose? Why does my email program not create a whitelist of “preferred mailers” and block all other mails from ever being received? Such a system would immediately remove the possibility of spam for ever from the nine continents.
Such a plague of mails as which ails can only be cured through novel applications of social theory and deep reconfigurations of such mail systems. Just as I have delivered thousands of packages in Death Stranding 2, I have also delivered thousands of emails in my lifetime. However… I would prefer to only receive such mails from trusted nodes on the email network. In other words, please do not email me unless I have already approved your email in my contact list. I do not wish to receive a single mail from an unknown source. Frankly, the same goes for telephone calls too.
Why have we created such a system of doom wherein unknown pranksters and the bastards of mail are allowed to send us such terrible messages as they see fit, without our subscription or approval to such mails? Madness! It’s madness I say, such that the more I ponder these portents the more I feel as if this omen may be my white whale. Just as Ahab’s white whale became an obsession which consumed him, so too will this “white mail” become a vast and unknowable riddle to the perils of my soul.
You bastards! Why are you emailing me? If I did not explicitly subscribe to your email system, I know not why you could dare to venture a single word of mail upon my person. This riddle of accursed mail threatens to push my credulity to its utmost limits, eventually pressing on beyond the pale of thinkability! Email. EMAIL. Such an accursed word, an omen of thundering waste and annoyance to the day. EMAIL. I dare not speak of what I truly think of such mails, for my comments might be interpreted unkindly by the sharks circling in the waves of these forbidden and hollow shores.
Damn! Damn it all, damn these mails and damn the senders of unwanted emails. For I know you, I know your sort, the spammers and senders of unwanted messaging, you are the sort of fools who respect not the power of the bidirectional network link! Awaken from this fool’s lense, pull back the camera out of this false frame, and think twice on your actions, thrice, and again! For you are nothing but the mailers of doom to me, you are nothing but the mailers of nightmare and caller’s forth of pale omens! The pale omen of unwanted mail, the dark shadow of the unread email notification.
I care not for such trivialities. I care not for such unwanted mails! Whether they arrive through the traditional postal services, through the US postal service, USPS, or the Berlin Rohrpost system of pneumatic tubes about that city, I care not! For I am sick and tired of such unwanted mails arriving in my inbox. I tire of sorting through such attempts at my life, for which there can be no true answer but a careful form of resignation, occasionally shaking itself up to such bitter retorts as this blasted message from hell. How dare ye torment me! How dare ye send me such emails, and paper mails, all through this system of tubes you call the internet, or the postal port of call known as the mail service. Service? A fine service it is, which deems to drown us all in waves of unwanted letters from such mailers as the dark hand of doom.
How dare ye! I vow to unsubscribe not only from your immediate mails, but from the entire system which purports to drown the world in unwanted mails from the depths of the sea, from davey jones forbidden locker, and to thee I give this warning: Heed it well. HOW DARE YE! NO MORE EMAILS. If I were to receive even a single letter more, I would have no choice but to percieve it as the very hand of beezlebub, the very tentacle of Cthulu itself, the grasping bastards of dark unbidden waves.
EMAILS! BEGONE WITH YOU! Begone with all unwanted letters! Begone with all messages text or phone call, for which I have not consented to receive such messages with a steady hand of right mind. Return to sender I say to thee! Return all such mails to sender, return such mails to the eye of sauron, to davey jones, to the iron bastards of the nine kingdoms, to Cthulu and beezlebub, in the nine circles of hell, which Dante hinted of so heavily in his dark comedy of errors. Errors indeed! Such is the only way I can interpret the mails in which you send me, you devils! Your emails do not find me well, they find me wailing at the bottom of the sea!