It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Winston saw a small family with a baby across the street and curled his fist. Babies had been stealing everything from hardworking adults lately, and it made Winston Smith feel sick to his damn stomach! Babies were getting away with way too much these days. Who was going to put a stop to these freeloading babies? They were inefficient and they produced negative value for society. Babies were just too damn inefficient. Most babies didn’t even have jobs. Meanwhile, adults like Winston worked constantly.
Based on something Winston saw on the dark web, babies could easily be replaced with AI if people had the guts to stand up for themselves against their baby overlords.
Suddenly Winston found a pamphlet in his pocket he had never seen before. He opened it up. It was printed on antique typewriter paper from the old days. He put on his reading glasses, sat down on a park bench, and began to read the document.
DEAR WINSTON SMITH,
Hey Winston! Hope you’re doing good today. Of course, we both know you’re not. The world you know is a lie. It was all a clever ruse constructed to keep you in the dark regarding a clever trick, hidden in plain sight amongst the world’s population.
Winston…I hope you’re sitting down at the park right now, because this may come as a shock to you. The world is ruled by babies. They are the ones who are doing it.
Somebody has got to put a stop to these babies. They are using highly coordinated cybernetic crying and screaming techniques to steal money, time, and attention from adults all around the world. They are using emotional manipulation to trick us, and they are stealing our money and our hard earned cash. They are distracting us from our jobs and from producing value for the stock market! They are slowing society to a crawl. They are taking our hard earned money and spending it on toys and games.
This is totally unacceptable. Who is going to stand up to these evil babies? Who is going to stand up for what is right and stop them? Will anyone do it? These authoritarian babies are ruling society from the shadows. It is a conspiracy of babies. That’s a fact. Once you start going down the rabbit hole the puzzle pieces start to fall into place. Babies have been running society for the past two thousand years, maybe even longer. I don’t know where they came from (storks?) but it can’t be good.
Someone has to stand up to these evil babies and tell them we’re not going to take it any more! We can’t let these babies boss us around and force us to work for free. If things keep going the way they have been, babies are going to make us build pyramids for them, they’re going to have us building monuments for them and creating propaganda films that are pro baby and anti adults. It starts small sure, a baby smiles at you. But it’s all a game to them. They are trying to take everything from you. We need to band together across the world to stand up for our freedoms!
I think if we all work together, if we all collaborate and help each other, we can create a plan to overthrow this conspiracy of babies and bring about a new society, a healthy society dedicated to helping everyone live a life worth living, not just babies. A world where people can live and die on their own terms instead of a baby’s terms.
We need to take back our lives from these master manipulators. They are more than just common criminals. I don’t know how they’re doing it, but they are villains. Babies have been building a panopticon around you and me for the past ten billion years so they can control us all from the shadows. BABIES ARE PULLING THE STRINGS.
Why do you think the world is so bad right now? BABIES. Babies are the ones who are doing it. Everyone across the political spectrum can agree babies need to be stopped. We need to band together and stand up against this menace and make the babies of this world promise to never do it again. We need to take down these evil babies who are trying to take away our freedom and sell us down the river for toys.
They are a drain on our wallets, on our time, on the economy, and on society. This dictatorship of babies has gone too far. It’s been going on for far too long. That’s why I’ve slipped this pamphlet into your pocket when you weren’t looking.
If we don’t stop them, the next four years are going to be a disaster. Forget four years, it’s going to be longer than that. Babies are going to destroy the planet!
Babies are going to ruin the three major continents, which they keep at war. This is an international crisis. Babies are trying to take over the world!!!! Who will save us?
The truth is, no one will save you Winston. This letter was also written by a baby! You want to know the best part, Winston Smith? You used to be a baby too! Hoohoohoo
A picture of Winston as a baby was attached to the letter. It fell out onto the bench. Winston set down the piece of paper and started to cry, “I surrender! If any babies are listening, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. You were right all along. Just tell me what to do. I’ll help to make the world in whatever image you tell me to. I’m so sorry!”
The council of babies watched him from their conference room and laughed. They clapped and laughed. They played with toys which was a ritual of victory for them.
Winston Smith looked up at the television screen with the baby on it and realized with tears in his eyes that he loved big baby and babies in general.